Punishment Signs: Why I Think They're Harmful

I read an article online talking about how parents are beginning to use signs or t-shirts that has written on them things that their child has done wrong. It’s a form of punishment that has taken off with some of today’s parents. At first, I laughed a little bit when I saw a boy holding a sign that said, “I was sent to school to get an education NOT to be a bully…I was not raised this way!!!” I laughed because I was bullied as a kid and thought that the sign was clever but after seeing more and more incidents of this type of punishment I have begun to see how it can cause more harm than good. The following is my convictions that I simply want to share. Please read and see my points. I hope it influences you for the better.

If we are to model ourselves after Christ and to show God’s love and grace then we must do so with our own kids. The way they view their relationship with you, their parent, will be the way they will potentially view their relationship with God the Father in the future. We don’t want to skew their perception of what a loving parent should be.

Before I go any further I want to make it known that I am not a father yet. So, with that said, I will be speaking from my past experiences and what I have learned throughout my academic studies of family and child development—along with biblical perspectives on the matter, of course.

Does God make us hold or wear signs that tell the world about our sins?

Does He embarrass us into becoming obedient?

Does He turn our punishment into a joke?

The answer for all three of these questions is NO….especially the last one. Our punishment was no joke. God sent His son Jesus to take on our punishment. The fact that God took our punishment as His own speaks strongly as to how you should approach punishing your kids! It literally hurt God more than it hurt us.

Of course, you’re not God and the consequence of your kid’s actions is not death but if you are to parent your child the way God wants you to then you are to experience more pain and discomfort than your kid. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying that your kids shouldn’t feel the weight of their bad decisions. What I am saying is that you are to love them and show them that their decisions and behavior has consequences. You are not to enjoy the punishment. It is not for amusement, it is for teaching what is right. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. (NLT)” The way you discipline your child matters. If what you command of your child is unreasonable and severe then they will become irritated and possibly miss the whole point of what is trying to be taught. Is that really how it’s supposed to be? On top of that timing is everything!

I believe that the rod does its work only when a child is a child. If not used until teen years, it’s too late. Many people these days don’t value the method of disciplining their child through the use of corporal punishment—which is a shame! Although I see their point in that there has been a long history of abuse from parents who do respond out of anger instead of a calm and collected mind. I get that! Absolutely! But it is better for the welfare of a child to receive the appropriate measures. While there are some kids who require corporal punishment in order to learn, there are children who require other means of discipline such as showing disapproval towards their actions. My wife, as a little girl, would cry her eyes out simply because her parents would show disapproval towards her bad behavior. She valued how her parents viewed her and that was sufficient enough for her as a means of discipline. However, for other children who can care less of what other people think about them, the rod keeps them from spoiling. (Side note: depriving children of toys only does so much, and ignoring behavior in hopes of not feeding them your attention is what has gotten this nation of kids in the state that they are! Seriously.)

 

Garden Example:

Now, tomatoes are a very delicate thing, much like children, and if the garden isn’t kept up and no attention is shown then the odds of the tomatoes growing into rip, healthy tomatoes is lowered tremendously. And if a tomato spoils during the growth process and it rots then there is no going back for that tomato. It is what it is. It’s no good.

Just like with the garden, if the child is not shown attention and/or dealt with when they disobey or do something wrong/harmful then they will not learn what is acceptable or appropriate—therefore their being spoiled. And that only contributes to more ignorant and “uncalled for” issues in their future.

Now, teenagers are not to be treated like tomatoes. We can’t throw them out simply because they were spoiled in their childhood. That would be heartless and inhumane. Plus, teenagers face enough abandonment issues as it is. But what needs to be done is NOT found in the method of using signs that point out their shortcomings. The spoiled teens will only be pushed further away from their parents/adult influences. Even the non-spoiled teens will be like…”really?” As mentioned in my previous blog-post teenagers are not capable of always making the wisest decisions (immature prefrontal lobe). But you, the parent, should be wise in how you respond and discipline.

Teenagers want and need parents/adults in their lives to teach them important lessons. And the best way for us to do this is through relationships because that is how teenagers learn the best. It’s not through corporal punishment so much. I remember when I was a teenager and I received a whipping a few times. Guess what I learned about what I did wrong? Not too much. I mainly felt angry…regardless to the fact that my parents didn't respond with anger. If a few other teens that have experienced this were to add a few words here they would probably say something along the same lines. But the number one thing that I had to have in order to keep me accountable to being obedient to my parents was TRUST. I trusted that my parents knew what was best for me because they responded appropriately and with love. Never once did my parents turn a discipline moment into a joke. Doing so kept their credibility as wise parents to me.

If teens don’t trust or like an adult then they’re not going to want to develop a meaningful relationship with them or heed to what they have to say. If parents don’t have their teen’s trust then making them hold signs telling the world about how much of a screw up they are is NOT going to help. It only creates a bigger rift between the teen and parent. I’m not saying that parents are supposed to be their teen’s best friend—I’m saying that they should be approachable and humble when teaching what’s right and what’s wrong.

As said in the movie Searching for Bobby Fischer, “You can teach a child all you know but one day…they are who they are.” And there will be a point in time where you’ll have to accept that and TRUST that God will always keep His hand on their life. Parents can only do so much to teach but it’s up to the child to learn. I promote healthy, meaningful relationship over the stupid sign method.

God doesn't make us wear a sign of all our bad decisions or sins.

He doesn't embarrass us into obedience.

He didn't turn our punishment into a joke.

It hurt Him more than it hurt us to see His son on the Cross. Remember that.

Be wise. Be calm.

Be loving.

Your kids perception of God will be influenced by how you treat them.

Coping Skills: How Teens Think

If there is one thing that I can point out about some of today's teenagers is their lack of coping skills. When difficult situations occur, which can be frequent and sometimes back-to-back, they can become so overwhelmed that they either close themselves off to other people (stonewall) or they just completely quit all together (fall into depression/suicide). Which, in today's performance-driven world, the fear of failing and the fear of looking "incapable" is a huge concern. Heck, I'm concerned with those things and I'm 25 years old. So it should come as no surprise when teens freak out when they don't know how to handle the pressure of difficult situations. 

The complex part out of all of this is that teenagers, just like adults, have to live within several overlapping contexts. Contexts are simply the different arenas in which we live out our lives. (Examples: Family Home/Step Homes, School, Neighborhood, Church, Extracurricular Activities, etc) If two or more of these contexts were to present hardships during the same time frame then that could cause an overload. And for the brain of a teenager where their prefrontal lobe is no where near finished developing and connecting to the rest of their brain it can lead them to drastic, unwise decisions. Why? Because the prefrontal lobe is in charge of decision making. It's not until their mid-twenties before they can fully answer the questions, "Is this a good idea? What would be the consequences of my decision?"


Knowing this information should help guide us in how we counsel and talk to teenagers. Not only should we focus on "what" they are thinking, we should also focus on "how" they are thinking. 

Bad decisions on their behalf will happen. It's inevitable. We need to get that through our heads. Don't blow up at them when they create a mess of things because that will only further their insecurities of how they feel they are being perceived. "Man, my counselor thinks I'm a screw up...can't ever do anything right. Must be true. Why do I even try?" As youth specialist we have to understand that the front part of their brain is running sluggish right now. A bit slow. We should just suck it up and continue to meet them where they're at.

Each teenager is different. They come from many backgrounds and they all have their own story. Some come from healthy homes. Others don't. Some know how to have healthy relationships with others. Others don't. Some know that boundaries are important and necessary. Others don't. Why do you think the "at risk" kids are at risk? Because no one has helped them learn how to process stress and how to make wise decisions.

A big part in knowing how to help a teenager sort through their thoughts and even desires is to know them as an individual...to know their story and how they relate to others. Then and only then can we begin to understand which angle to approach them by, in order that we guide them in the appropriate direction. Teenagers should learn how to solve their problems. That's what life is about--growing and learning. Once they grasp that idea they may begin to view their life in a different perspective...a healthier perspective.

Here is a scary reality.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death for teens
Suicide is the second leading cause of death in colleges
For every suicide completion, there are between 50 and 200 attempts.
http://www.teachervision.fen.com/education-and-social-issues/mental-health/57131.html

Here is what I gather from the above trends. Teenagers are not making any positive progress from their adolescents to early adulthood. Stress can be found at any corner of life. We already know that as adults, that is why it's so important that we help teenagers learn how to cope before it's too late.

My prayer for you is that you realize how crucial it is to mentor a teenager. As an interim youth pastor, I see on a daily basis how important it is for teens to know that they are valuable and capable of living a fulfilling life. And to be honest I believe that a life fully surrendered to Christ is the best option for them. A life that is full and completely worth living!! (John 10:10)

Only the power of God can completely change the course of history in a teenager's life. And I hope that I see that happen to many teens.

So go and make a difference in a teen's life. If you're willing and ready to lead by example in every area of your life then do it!

Live from New York!

I always enjoyed watching Saturday Night Live. 

Over time I found myself impersonating various characters such as; 

Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar performed by Mike Myers & Dana Carvey 

Mr. Peepers performed by Chris Kattan 

Church Lady performed by Dana Carvey 

Harry Caray performed by Will Ferrell

The Bee Gees performed by Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake 

and the amazing host Christopher Walken  

The list can go on and on with all the characters that have caught my eye over the years. I owe a lot of my kookiness to SNL mainly because I quote it so much. If I could run off and audition to become a cast member for Saturday Night Live I would. I love the show and have always wondered if I have what it takes to be a "Not Quite Ready for Prime Time Player". Of course, they haven't used that term since like the 70's but hey! It's Saturday night!!!

Why don't I just go and audition? Well, the tricky part to this desire is that it would potentially place me in a position to do or say something that doesn't line up with my convictions. I have my beliefs to consider. One of the main reasons why I got out of theater in the first place is because when you're in a production you are at the mercy of the script and how the director wants to present it. You have to be a willing to do anything regardless of what you believe is right, wrong, or some where in between.

It's crazy how much our beliefs drive what we do. Sure, we can want many things that don't necessarily line up with what we hold to be true but when it comes to actually doing it--that is where we draw the line. If we stay on our side then we're living in harmony with our beliefs. If we cross the line then we're throwing ourselves out of sync with what we hold to be bigger than ourselves. 

The question of what is truth has hounded humanity for....well, all of time. What is truth? Do we create it? Or does someone else? The answer to that question lies in what you hold to be true. 

Do you believe in God? Does He call the shots? Or.... 

Do you believe in many gods or spirits? Do they call the shots?

---Whoa Justin, where are you taking me with this? I thought this was about how much you love Saturday Night Live and how you always wanted to be a cast member.

I understand but bare with me and I'll guide you through your thoughts to something pretty big. Consider the previous questions as mental stretches to prepare you for what is to follow.

It's important to know what you believe.

I know what I believe but do you?

If you don't know then here is a tip and I'll try to be as impartial as I can.

Before you try to figure out what you want to believe you need to understand these three fundamental principles to finding truth.

1. When beliefs are being formed they need to be molded by truth. No one intentionally goes looking for something false to believe in—that would be absurd and insane. (Way? way. --Wayne Campbell)
2. When searching for truth it has to be something that is absolute. It can't involve multiple truths because at that point one is blatantly admitting that absolute truth does not exist and that their viewpoint is the best that "they" could come up with. If there were multiple truths then there would be nothing absolute.(Come on, it's not rocket science, doctor! --Harry Caray)
3. When you find the truth you might not like it. Why? Well, since it would be the absolute truth more than likely you would have been exposed to it before and all you remember is a bad experience--that would explain why you haven't yet fully believed in it until now. But, since you have sought out truth and have found it you have to understand that truth has to mold you--not the other way around. It may very well conflict with everything that you have lived by up until this point. But how will you respond? Will you allow preconceived notions and experiences hinder you from pursuing truth? (Well isn't that special? --Church Lady)

Here is a fact:

Absolute truth has to be something eternal, something that has always been. We, this current living generation, haven't always been in existence because we weren't even alive over 100 years ago. So, how can we make up something new that just so happens to be absolute? My guess would be that we can’t. I don’t think we’re that powerful.

I'm Justin Hall. Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow!

From Fear To Courage: Let's Roll!

It was so hard to fall asleep last night. I couldn't stop thinking about Guatemala. For some reason I could not push the pictures out of my mind. I felt very overwhelmed and insecure about everything. After all that God has provided us and all the hard work that Ashley and I have put into raising our funds for the trip I found myself scared and doubtful.


As stated in prior posts, I am anxious and scared about going. However, last night as I tossed and turned in bed I was more scared than anything. The fact that I will be walking on ground zero of human and sex trafficking puts fear into my soul. It overwhelms my heart. All I know is that when I make eye contact with those kids I will want to bring them home with me... to keep them safe from traffickers and their government.

I also imagined myself witnessing a genocide of street orphans, which is far from being "make-believe". What would I do? How would I react in such a terrible,....as if terrible was a word worth using to describe such a ......horrific tragedy in our world. For a government to think it's okay to sweep their streets clean of overpopulated orphans and to line them up, shoot them in their heads, and bury them in a mass grave....it's appalling. It's heartbreaking how easy it can be to see a perfect example of humanity's sinful nature.

I could get caught up in so many reasons why I shouldn't go but I can't. I won't. I have to go. My heart is calling me to. God is calling me to. I have to go.

In order to help Reveal, I have to see for myself

In order to help Rescue, I have to see where they are.

In order to help Restore, I have to see what has to be done.

I don't know how God will make things happen within the grand scheme of His vision for MAG but I know that He will see us through. As a matter of fact, He will see us all through because He has commanded all the children who call Him "Father" to this very mission--to care for the orphaned and widowed! Guatemala is filled with them. The time to make a change in their situation is now.

Regardless to whether or not you consider yourself a christian, we can all agree that lives are at stake here. We never want to see or hear of women or children being used as slaves or sex slaves--but it is happening. The culture and society in Guatemala City has women and children of the low poverty zones stuck in a viscous cycle where selling themselves for sex is the only means of them getting paid and making a "living". That isn't living--that's bondage. The time to start making drastic changes for this demographic is now. They've lived in bondage and worthlessness for too long.

Will it be hard? Extremely.
Will sex trafficking ever really stop? Probably not.

However, as Christ Followers, we are not commanded to simply sit in our pews on Sunday mornings to sing a few songs and listen to sermons that only concern us and our issues to allow that sad realization become an excuse. We are commanded to change the odds for people in the midst of their bondage through the power of Jesus Christ who laid our death in His grave. It's time to share life with the lifeless and to give hope to the hopeless. If you're ready to roll with us then roll with us. Get connected ASAP! We need you.


Click the link below to learn more about us and how YOU can make a difference.

The Magdalene Project

Good Night My Child

This is a poem that I wanted to write for whoever is facing a separation. The effects that divorce has on a family is tremendous. I hope this serves as a way to deter you or someone you know from going through with divorce--unless it's a chronically abusive situation.

Good Night My Child

Good night my love what a day we’ve had.

To say it's good would be an utter lie.

Nothing warned us that we’d fall apart

I thought you’d stay until the day I died.

But now you’ve said what you’ve needed to and now you want to leave with him and leave behind all that our love supplied.

Good night my child what a day you’ve had.

To say its sweet would be a far-fetched truth.

I know you’re sad but please hear me now

Your mother said she’ll always love you.

No, my dear, the fault is ours it was never yours but what is yours is my beating heart, our love will always be.

Good night my love how did it come to this?

I thought our love was made of more than this.

When will your love and faith come back to me?

Please help me understand how this came to be.

So if you ask of me to please forgive I’ll surely do all you ask to keep you here, our baby girl is still awake and she cries for you.

Goodbye my love what a run we’ve had.

I thought I’d never see your love not mine.

What does he have that I’ve never given you?

My vows were more than just clever lines.

But now you’re gone and all the love I have for you is here pushed into the deepest part of where I hardly go.

Good night my child I’ll hold you as you sleep.

I pray your dreams will shelter your sweet mind.

This night I vow to take good care of you and never leave,

Your heart is good;

Oh please believe that I’m here for you.

Good night my child.

Shades of White (You Are Beautiful)

So. I was sitting on our couch the other night next to Ashley while she is watching "Say Yes to the Dress." I don't know how I got in that situation. At one moment I was just sitting there managing a few things on facebook minding my own business and then BOOM.... I was seeing women twirling in front of mirrors admiring the different types of white that exists on Earth. I always thought that white came in one color but apparently that is not true. What do I know about shopping for a wedding dress? Nothing. I just know that I loved Ashley's. It was perfect.

Besides shopping and getting ready for one's wedding, what possesses women to want to be beautiful? And why does that fascination drive so many women bananas? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that this is a bad thing or that I am making fun of it. I'm just assessing a widely known phenomenon. Women want to be viewed as beautiful one way or the other. I don't know why women choose to do so many weird things to maintain their beauty but I do know one thing, us men better stop and recognize when our spouse or girlfriend goes the extra mile. If we were to ever stop telling them that they are beautiful then God help us. We will surely die a slow and painful death. Well, maybe not. However, it will cause our relationships to miss out on two very important ingredients. Love and Respect.

For your sweetheart to know that you notice how beautiful they are, they will respect you more. Lord knows that we make plenty of mistakes on a daily basis but to take a break from our stupidity and to wise up with the recognition of their breathtaking looks will save us from crashing and burning. Now I'm not saying you use this to simply get your way because women CAN and WILL smell BS from a mile away. You will only get yourself in the doghouse if you use this as a weapon instead of a tool. What I am saying is that you should take the time to stop and sincerely admire your lady.

She will respect you all the more for your reassuring words. Validation and love is what they need from you. Give them those things and they will supply you with what you need--respect. Before you know it you guys will be connected to one another in such a way that you will be surprised at how much stronger your relationship is.

Do I tell my wife that she is beautiful?
-Not nearly as much as she deserves.

What am I going to do once I post this?
-Um, I think I might go get a smoothie. jk

Thoughts on The Human Experience

If you haven't seen this documentary yet then you should. It is very powerful. As you get closer to the end you will be moved. If not, then you must be a tough guy who doesn't tap into your emotions too much. And that's okay, but please feel free to let your guard down. It's all good.